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I think I first posted this poem more than a year ago.  Just felt like I needed to re-post it today.

Open Windows

I can only assume
that This Door closed
for a reason
Not that
that makes it any easier
as I stand with my hand
on the knob
wondering why this season
is over
especially when I’m Far from
over
what’s on the other side
So I slide to the floor
with my hands on the Door
and cry
because
broken hearts
just don’t understand
why their keys don’t
work anymore
and Wisdom
isn’t loud enough yet
to stop me
from trying to
Force it
Open
Again
So I
bang and Bang and BANG
not getting that
a broken open door
is useless
and eventually
I tire
because
my hands ache from trying
and
my eyes are red from crying
and when exhaustion finally forces
my acquiescence
sleep’s presence
brings solace to my spirit
and
breathes patience to my dreams
And
just when it seems
I’ll have to sleep forever
to be restored
I awake on the floor
with the sunlight
shining through more Windows
than I remember ever being there
before
and although
my hands and I are still
a little bit sore
I am soothed by the breeze
blowing through the open
Windows
and Clarity shows me
that the open Door
as wide as it was
Never brought me
a breeze
So
at ease
I stare outside
and finally
Wisdom allows me to get that
my Faith must lie
in He who will provide
the key to the Door
in the event
that it shall swing again
or at such a time
when
another door instead shall be
opened
but
until then
I”ll spend my time
with my face to the Sun
appreciating how One closed door
pales in comparison
to all of these
Open
Windows.

For all the pretty girls who may not know it…

pretty girl

she had to be about 12 or 13
but her eyes put her a little closer to 30
telling me that her soul had already seen far too much pain in her world
I smiled and said…hey pretty girl
and asked her how she was feeling
but
when she looked back at me
there was no concealing the confusion and surprise
that clouded her young-old eyes
as she seemingly struggled in digesting
what I thought was just a simple question
she

paused

and asked simply
Who told you I was pretty?
caught completely off guard
I looked at her
and blinked
and all I could think to say was
Who told you that you weren’t?
she sat and stared
and before I could get prepared
for the answer
she replied without hesitation
Everyone.
Every-one?
I didn’t want to believe it
but she proceeded
with
well…
the music videos all tell me
that my skin is too dark to be considered
and I remember how all the images I see on tv
hint that my nose is too broad and my lips too full
and the lady that does my hair always pulls and presses
mumbling about long straight tresses and weaves
and all the boys at school leave me alone
cause I’m not stacked and not thick enough in the back
and the black women I know always talk about
how they want to go change the way they look
but never talk about how beautiful they are
and if I look just like them
then I can’t be far from the disappointment
they see in themselves
and well…
how much more
would you like me to tell you?
and when she refocused her eyes on me
they were clear and dry
but
I had started to cry
and didn’t know where to begin
so I said
pretty girl…they’re all
just lies

See
Your pretty is in that beautiful brown skin
it’s in those full lips and those hips
whether they’re thick or they’re thin
Your pretty is in those inquistive brown eyes
it’s in that naturally curly hair and in that cute nose
regardless of the size
Your pretty is in that wonderfully resilient spirit
it’s in that brilliant smile and genuine laugh
that brings me joy every time I hear it…

So pretty girl
please don’t believe any of the lies you’ve heard
I need you to listen
to the certainty in my words
and know
that even when the rest of the world
doesn’t get it
You
have to
and as I tried to speak this truth into her wide eyes
they mirrored my own reflection
forcing me to recognize
that I sometimes
get caught up in those
very same lies
and I suddenly realized that
this pretty
wasn’t just about
her
it was also about
me
so as I
adamantly
convinced her
to see all
these pretty things in herself
I tried to convince myself
to see those same pretty things
in me
just
getting
that maybe when I
finally
could look in the mirror
and truly see
my Pretty
so
finally
would
she.

–cdt - 6/4/08

 What can I say about this poem…it is the recognition that we, as women, sometimes have a hard time letting go of the…independence, for lack of a better word, in which we exist.  For whatever our individual reasons are, we are used to doing things by ourselves and for ourselves.  After how ever many years of living in that mindset, it can be hard to relax and let down that guard when a good and right man comes along.  I don’t think that most men get that it has become a part of who we are as opposed to it just being an attitude or a difficult way of acting.  I have had enlightening conversations with a few girlfriends about this lately and I understand the importance of us knowing when we can let it go…when we can let down the guard.  Easier said than done, as I’m sure most of us have been hurt before, but it is necessary.  Keep in mind that this only applies to that good and right man I mentioned earlier… 

humble me 

Humble me Lord
while I fumble these words
and submit to the possibility
that he may be
for me
that he may be
the other half of the we
I was never sure I’d see
that he may be
the man to see
the virtuous woman in me
so Lord I pray You
help me to be made ready and

Humble me 

Humble me Lord

so that he sees

the willing that

sometimes resides

behind the disguise

of independence

so that he sees

the me

hiding behind the defenses

so that he sees

how strongly I really want

to be in this

so Lord I pray You

help me to release my resistance and

Humble me

Humble me Lord

so that I know

when to be heard

and when to listen

so that my pride knows

when to relinquish

the rights to my submission

so that my mind knows

it’s safe to

grant my heart permission

so Lord I pray You

help me to make needing him my admission and

Humble me 

Humble me Lord

so that he and I can be on

one accord

in all ways

so that on those days

when it gets rough

I allow him to take my hand

as we pray

so that when we get

caught in this craze

I submit to his ability to lead us

out the maze

so Lord I pray You

help me to surrender my stubborn ways and

Humble me 

 Humble me Lord

are the most genuine words

I speak

as I seek to

release all that

is old and

all past hurts

to which my heart

still holds

Lord I pray You

make me bold in my

new willingness

to be open

make me soft

before my words are spoken

make me ready to fully embrace love again

and make me strong enough to

allow my head to bow and

my knees to bend

so Lord

just as you’ve humbled

him

Lord I pray You

Humble me.

Amen. 

-cdt, 5/15/08

I know it has been quite some time since I have shared any new poetry with you all, but I’m back.    Just wrote this one a few days ago.  I was thinking about the different things that affect many of our little girls and ultimately, us as grown women.  So, this is one of the things I came up with.  Hope you enjoy it and as always, feedback is welcomed!

Have a great weekend!

————————————————-

The Cycle

she never understood why
he didn’t stay
days/into/weeks/into/months/into/years
found her tears dried
but her eyes were still wide with a silent hope
that gripped constant expectations
that tomorrow
would be different
that tomorrow’s sun would rise
she would rub her eyes
and would hear him come in
just to make sure she was awake
cause that’s
what the good ones do
but it would only take
a few minutes
before the alarm
went off again
and she realized
that there was no him
any-where
she would stare at the ceiling
feeling
that if she could only be
too naive to remember
and
clever enough to forget
than she wouldn’t have to
lie here
every morning
and wonder
if he ever even cared enough to
regret
not being there
and every morning
after waking from the same dream
where she was chasing the same thing
she still never seemed
to notice the repetition
or how strangely similar
the things were in him
so she would spin her wheels
trying to fill an empty space
instead of trying to make a break
from the place where patterns grow
and since no one ever told her
it
wasn’t
her
fault
every morning
as natural to her
as yawning and blinking
she was instantly thinking
that some-how
she
could have done
some-thing
to make him not
Be
Gone.
she could only figure
that she must have
done something wrong
because
maybe if
she had been right
she wouldn’t be waking up
in the middle of every night
reaching out for
him
and then
struggling to decide
if the tears she felt
and the cries she heard
were
her mother’s
her daughter’s
or
hers.

-cdt - 4/29/08

A friend of mine from college passed away last week, quite unexpectedly, at least to us.   So, I know this has been a rough week for all of us who knew Calvin.  I’m sure most of us have been feeling that it was so unexpected and way too soon to lose him.  I just wanted to share with you the text that the preacher used yesterday at my church.  He was speaking from Luke 2:49.  His sermon actually went in a different direction, but my mind related it to Calvin.  This part of Luke is about how Jesus and his parents (and family) went to Jerusalem for the feast of the Passover.  When Jesus was 12, they went to Jerusalem for the custom and soon after, left…I’m assuming to go back home.  Well, after about a day or so, as they were traveling home, they realized that Jesus was not with them and the family.  They went back to Jerusalem to find Jesus at the temple “talking with the doctors” - both asking and answering questions.

As I imagine every parent would do, they were concerned that he was “missing.”  Vs. 48 - “…and his mother said unto him, Son, why hast thou thus dealt with us?  behold, thy father and I have sought thee sorrowing.”  And Jesus replied by saying in vs 49 - “How is it that ye sought me?  wist ye not that I must be about my Father’s business?”

Jesus was not where his parents and family expected him to be.  But that was simply their expectation.  Jesus was right where he was supposed to be…handling his Father’s business.

I have to believe the same is with Calvin.  In his sudden death, we are looking for him…wondering why he is not where we expected him to be.  It is human nature to expect a 32 year old man, so full of life, to be here tomorrow.  But, we have to understand that it’s not about us.  It’s not about our plans or expectations.  I believe that Calvin, in his fly church suit , was saying, hey, I have to be about my Father’s business.  As much as I love you all, don’t be surprised when you look and I am not there because I have been called by my Father to do greater things.

So, friends, although this time is hard for us, let us all try to find comfort in knowing that Calvin, though he is not physically with us, is on the job.  When God told him to, he packed up and moved to Atlanta for Divinity School.  And now, when God called him again, he put on his suit and followed Him, agenda in hand, ready to take care of His Father’s business.  (Now, I’m not sure if cigars are allowed on this job…but…either way, I’m sure Calvin will fill the position successfully.  )

It has helped me to think in this way and I hope in some way, this helps you.  We will cry, we will grieve, but ultimately we will smile and celebrate the fullness of Calvin’s life and the wonderful memories that we all have of him. 

Take care

Good evening all…

 

I first sat down to write my “New Year’s message” a few weeks ago.  As usual, time got the better of me and here I am, weeks later, talking about 2007.  It’s okay though…all things in due time.  So if you have some time, here goes… 

 

I have had the pleasure of celebrating many things this past year.  Celebrating 30^th birthdays with close friends, the completion of degrees, marriages, births…all sorts of good things.   I have sat on a beach in St. Lucia with some of my best sister-friends and talked about everything and about nothing at all.  I have enjoyed all that was the D-30.  I have stepped over some fears to get to some of the good stuff.  I have had great conversations with fabulous people.  I have watched my sister walk a path lit solely by faith.  I have held the beautiful baby girl of one of my oldest friends, in my arms.  I have celebrated my grandmother’s 85th birthday with her.  I have had the privilege of taking part in the wedding of a good friend who finally found the love she deserved.  I have come to know the beauty of new friends and felt the hurt of letting go of old ones.  I have felt the giddiness of butterflies and felt the pang of unattainable embraces.

 

I have loved truly and spoken honestly.  I have come face to face with the necessity of vulnerability.  I have taken risks for love and finally felt the satisfaction of knowing I’d said it all, even if the results weren’t as I hoped.  I have forgiven myself for past mistakes and try not to repeat them.  I have strived to ask, unapologetically, for what I want and not settle for less than that.  I have begun to better understand the difference between compromise and settling.  I have known the blessing and the support of true friendship.  I have cried when my heart hurt and am still learning, like the lady in the Kleenex commercial said…that my tears don’t compromise my strength…they never have.  I have laughed so hysterically that my stomach hurt and I couldn’t breathe.  I have had a good, although at times complicated, year.

 

I haven’t written much lately, so I guess I have a lot to say.  So you are invited to read on as I write now and share my thoughts on and lessons learned in 2007.  There were a lot of lessons along the way, but some that stood out poignantly.  Granted, most of this I’m sure you’ve already heard, but, looking at it through different eyes may allow you to understand it with a different mindset.

 

I’ve spent the last several weeks digging into old boxes and storage containers with the expressed purpose of reducing the clutter in my place.  Determined to throw out unnecessary things and to file/scrapbook/place pictures and mementos that I actually wanted to keep, I’ve spent hours upon hours on the floor in my different rooms and closets.  I came across great memories that left me smiling and laughing over times past.  I also came across plenty of things that I wondered why I had kept for so long.  (In the next week, some of you will be the recipients of the results of this mass cleaning!)  It was during these late hours that it occurred to me…my last recognizable lesson of 2007.  No two things can occupy the exact same space at the same time.  Not anything I haven’t heard before…seemingly in some physics class or something.  Although quite simple in a physical sense, as I sat on the floor throwing out items with the anticipation of filling those spaces with something new, I realized that the same rule applies in every area, on every level.  Not just physical space, but mental space and emotional space, too.  Go figure.  The translation for me was…you mean, holding on to old hurts, anger and disappointments occupies space that can not be filled with new healings, joys and successes?  Again, go figure.  The full weight of this thought puts us in charge of our spaces.  It allows us to make decisions about whether we want to exist with cluttered spaces or if we want to put in the work to clean them out, ultimately allowing sunlight and freshness the opportunity to come in.  Aha!  The cleaning continues… 

 

Similar to the two things occupying the same space thought, I understand that it’s not always easy to get rid of/let go of the old to make room for the new.  The reality is that it’s hard to move on.  But that’s what life is about…living and moving on.  Holding on too long not only makes you incapable of grabbing onto new things, but it also drains the goodness and the joy out of what once was.  The reality is that relationships/friendships don’t all last forever.  So, when they end, take time to grieve them (yes, grieve them, for it is indeed, a loss), accept it and then, move forward.

 

Unfortunately, when those aforementioned relationships do end, they don’t always do so in a tidy way.  Actually, rarely do things end the way in which we would wish.  Put simply by my best friend as we sat on the balcony in St. Lucia chatting about life and love…sometimes people don’t say goodbye.  Whether it is a severed relationship, a faded friendship or the loss of a loved one.  Sometimes, people don’t (or can’t) say goodbye.  And somehow, some way, we have to reconcile whatever residual issues, unanswered questions and leftover ‘stuff’ remains.  And sometimes, the answer simply is that some things are not meant for us to figure out.  Ha. 

 

Now I’m sure I could go on for pages and pages, but I’m starting to get hungry.  So, to quickly sum up the remaining thoughts…here they are:

 

• It’s not always about you.  Period.

 

• There are some things that are completely out of your control.  Let me restate…there are most things that are completely out of your control.  The only thing that you truly have control over is your own actions.  You can’t control what other people feel, what other people say or what other people do.  And the sooner you (I) really come to terms with that, the easier it will be.

 

• Giving up and letting go are two different things.  Giving up is an act of defeat.  Letting go is an act of understanding.  

 

• Tell the truth….to yourself and to others.

 

• Be kind with your words and be gentle with your tone.  Both are powerful tools.

 

• Choose love.

 

If you’re still reading at this point…lol, be excited that 2008 is a new year.  It is yet another set of opportunities to do better today than yesterday.  It is the chance to change your life, or somebody else’s for the better.

 

So in this new year I would like you to know that if our connection, whatever that may be, is meant to go and grow another year, I hope we both take full advantage of it and cultivate it.  And if our paths have diverged, not to cross again, then I wish you happiness and I am thankful for having known you.  With that said, I wish many things for all of you (and me).  I hope you find, recognize and embrace true love.  I hope your mistakes are few, but your lessons learned are many.  I hope you think in wisdom, act in love and exist in truth.  I hope you leave for the right reasons and only stay for the best ones.  I hope you let go of what you were not meant to hold on to so you can be free to hold hands with your right destiny.  I hope you cry when you need to and laugh as much as you can.  I hope you pursue your passion with unrelenting fervor.  I hope you pray often and hear God when He speaks to you.  I hope your hurts and your heart are healed.  I hope you find peace beyond understanding.  And last but not least, I hope you live this year such that when 2009 rolls around, you have no missed opportunities, no unsaid words and no regrets.

 

Happy New Year.

If you are reading this, that means you are visiting my newly relaunched Soulfully Speaking website…so, welcome!!  I’m excited about the re-design of the site, thanks to Jonathan McDougald (www.jalexanderonline.com) for putting it all together. 

I’ve been flying low on the radar for a little while, but I’m back.  I’ve never stopped writing, so you can check out some of my newer work (meaning since I put out the last book) in some of the blog entries below.  I have a few interesting projects in the works and coming up, so be on the look out for them! 

Just to share with you….my current daily song of motivation is Martha Munizzi’s “It’s A New Season” which pretty much gets at where my head is these days.  The chorus is:

It’s a new season
It’s a new day
Fresh anointing is flowing my way
It’s a season of power and prosperity
It’s a new season…coming to me…

So, there it is.  I’m claiming my new season, effective immediately. 

Enjoy the site!!

Cipriana 

Be Easy

there’s something about his
brown skin
that keeps me
falling in…
curious
with him
and I’m
not sure if it’s
his swagger
or his style or
if it’s the way he smiles
that brings excitement to my day
but
whatever it is
I must say
when he walks my way
I have to
bite my lip
and tilt my head
slightly to the right
Just
To
Watch.
ha…
it’s a sly grin
each time I see
him
coming towards me
cause
I start hearing combinations of
india.arie and
jill scott melodies
the…close your eyes and
rock easy…
kind
the…you just run across my mind…
kind
the…brown skin…I can’t tell where yours begins…
I can’t tell where mine ends…
kind
and even better
since there’s no
complex design
our time is so easy
and very simply
I just
like my space when he be 
in it
and I just
like his space when I be
in it
and if our simplicity
had the chance to be infinite… 
nah…let’s not even complicate it…
I‘d rather just leave it understated
cause right now
this easy
is just where it needs to be
and I’m loving how it’s leaving me
grinnin’ and diggin’
that brown skin that
he
be
in.

Happy Tuesday, all!  I know I’ve been missing in action for a few weeks, but I’m back with a new one  :o)  Hope you like it.

Have a good week.

Open Windows

I can only assume

that This Door closed

for a reason

Not that

that makes it any easier

as I stand with my hand

on the knob

wondering why this season

is over

especially when I’m Far from

over

what’s on the other side

So I slide to the floor

with my hands on the Door

and

cry

because

broken hearts

just don’t understand

why their keys don’t

work anymore

and

Wisdom

isn’t loud enough yet

to stop me

from trying to

Force it

Open

Again

So I

bang and Bang and BANG

not getting that

a broken open door

is useless

and eventually

I tire

because

my hands ache from trying

and

my eyes are red from crying

and

when exhaustion finally forces

my acquiescence

sleep’s presence

brings solace to my spirit

and

breathes patience to my dreams

And

just when it seems

I’ll have to sleep forever

to be restored

I awake on the floor

with the sunlight

shining through more Windows

than I remember even being there

before

and although

my hands and I are still

a little bit sore

I am soothed by the breeze

blowing through the open

Windows

and Clarity shows me

that the open Door

as wide as it was

Never brought me

a breeze

So

at ease

I stare outside

and finally

Wisdom allows me to get that

my Faith must lie

in He who will provide

the key to the Door

in the event

that it shall swing again

or

at such a time

when

another door instead shall be

opened

but

until then

I’ll spend my time

with my face to the Sun

appreciating how One closed door

pales in comparison

to all of these

Open

Windows.